is it worth the risk?
Life is raw. Life is dynamic. Life is not a series of motivational quotes strung together in perfectly choreographed sentences.
The reality of life can be very painful and sometimes very difficult. And, depending on how we process these challenges, life can feel more like series of failures rather than a glorious success. The truth is that I fail more than anyone I know. This may come as a surprise to those of you who know me from the protection of the public stage or the triumphs I choose to selectively make public.
When I perform live or when I publish quotes of inspiration they are designed as a very personal battle cry from the trenches of my life. I choose these artistic outlets to re-remind myself the need to press forward.
Yesterday I experienced failure. And it was crushing. It wiped me out both mentally and physically.. I awoke this morning and was forced to make a decision. Am I going to carry the pain of yesterday into today? or will i pick up and do the hard lonely work of trying to moving forward?
I chose to write. Not a detailed explanation of “what it was this time” ……or “why I am so emotionally volatile?”. Ultimately the “what and why’s” of my personal setbacks are not as important as how I chose to react.
If I don’t transform my pain, I am doomed to transmit it.
I am confessing in the event that any of you know someone who is also experiencing a challenging time in their life right now. Writing is my therapy. Sometimes I paint. Sometimes I read. Sometimes I lay quietly or move slowly waiting for pain to subside. This morning I am publishing my writing in the event that any of you can relate. Because this is not the first time I have fallen. It is not even the 10th time. I fall on a regular basis and am haunted by demons insecurity and of self doubt.
I am writing because I have faith that this too shall pass. Because I have been here before. This darkness is not unfamiliar to me. Painfully, I believe that it is because of these shadows that I am able to appreciate light. Ironically, I have learned that these emotional swings ultimately are what make life meaningful.
10 years ago I surrendered my steadfast life of predictability and security. I made the conscious decision to break free and push my boat away from the shore to live a life filled with the sways of passion and adventure. The high seas involve some risk for sure. There are big waves that must be overcome to find new land. But even from the bowels of my boat on a dark night I will not head back to the shore from where I first launched. At least not today.
I have yet to fully recuperate so don’t be surprised if I experience vulnerability hangover and delete this post in a few hours. I am living in the moment and letting the dynamic rawness of life be my guide.